Hi lovers! Today is Valentine's Day. A holiday that's not a holiday at all. A day where people expect you to spend a shit ton of money on something you should be celebrating everyday. Being in love. I mean, sure, if I had a boyfriend who wanted to spend money on gifts and food and what not to celebrate our love for each other - I'm sure I would've gladly accepted it. But - now I don't have one and so I'll think of this day as a joke.
However, if there's one thing I do love it's writing about love. And boys and kisses and crushes and conversations. So here are five short texts about exactly that.
Something I wrote after a very good kiss
We were in my bed. Clothes on, under the duvet. We were just gonna sleep. Nothing more. But as we're dozing off he put his hand on my hip and I moved closer even though I wasn’t allowed to. He moved his hand from my hip to my lower back and pushed me against his body. It was warm.
And as we were about to fall asleep, he kissed me. He was careful, as if he was making sure that it was okay for him to press his lips against mine. By kissing him back I told him, it was. His lips tasted of beer and drugs and something I should so not kiss. But there was no going back and I just could not stop. And apparently, neither could he. That night there was nothing wrong with the world. No wars, no blizzards, no earthquakes, no liars, no kids crying, no bullies, no wrong orders, no spilling on white shirts. Just two people who had to kiss. So we did.
I wish I could’ve kissed him longer.
Something I wrote when I was sad
I miss you. I miss the way you’d touch my ear before falling asleep. I miss sitting on the stool in your kitchen watching you cook. I miss waking up alone in your bed and then go out and find you on the couch with your laptop and I’d cuddle up next to you and fall asleep again on your shoulder. I miss walking down the street holding your hand. I miss getting a text from you in the morning asking how I am today. I miss kissing you. I miss looking over at you and realizing you were already looking. I miss getting drunk with you. I miss trying to teach you how to speak Swedish. I miss sending you pictures of dogs. I miss the way your neck smell. I miss you hugging me from behind when we were shopping for food and tried to decide which cheese to get. I miss your bed. I miss you kissing the tip of my nose. I miss watching movies with you and have your hand resting on my thigh. I miss the way you’d lean your head on my shoulder when you were tired. I miss how you’d look at me before you’d kiss me. I miss the way you’d scratch your eyes when your contacts were itchy. I miss waking up by you moving closer. I miss smoking night cigarettes with you. I miss leaving work early only to meet up with you and make out for half an hour. I miss sitting in class next to you wanting to touch you. I miss sitting on the couch on your roof with your arms around me guessing if what we see are stars or satellites. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss being with you. I miss your hands. I miss your scars. I miss your lips. I miss your laugh. I miss you.
Something I wrote when I was falling in love
We walk hand in hand, on a wide Williamsburg sidewalk. I haven't changed out of my pajamas. He’s smoking a cigarette. We’re on our way to buy breakfast to treat our hangovers caused by too many beers the night earlier. At the stop light I lean in and kiss his cheek. He give me ten kisses back all over my face. When we cross he puts his arm around my hips and place the cigarette between my lips. I take a drag and blow it out in his face.
And all I can think if is how we have to be careful, we can’t fall in love.
Something I wrote when I was frustrated
He's so fucking irresistible. Does he know that? I think so. Otherwise you don't laugh that loud. Move that steady. Talk that strong. When I'm close to him I feel like I'm about to break, you know? Break because of him (HIM!) and I'm convinced he's the only one who can put me back together. Wanting him is what makes everything right now. Everything is more fun (and also fucking annoying) when you want someone. You try more. You hope more (even if it turns you into a crazy person). You want more. Life kind of turns into something more than just life. It's fucked up.
Something I wrote on a cold morning
He was the one who kissed me.
Something I wrote just now
I LOVE YOU! Happy Love Day to everyone reading this <3 If there's one thing I've learnt about love and boys (I'm sure this applies to girls too, but I hope not because I am one) and that is that they might be a bit slow (like, when it comes to being close to ones feelings etc) and sometimes what they need is for you to step it the fuck up and take the step. Because when it comes to love and sex and kisses and crushes, pride is just blah. Better an oops than a what if.