04 09 2016

Lately there's been something going on that I can't really put my finger on. I don't know more than that it's a feeling of unease that won't leave me the fuck alone. It's just something. The other day I broke down in tears in a cab with my mom and my brother while moving my stuff to my new apartment. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop crying. That almost never happens to me, that I literally break down in tears like that without no obvious reason. It scared me a little because it felt very out of the blue, even though those situations never are. I honestly don't know what I would've done without my mom and brother here last week. Things were so stressful with the move and work and a bunch of other things that makes my head spin. That day though, we ended up having a great evening eating Mexican and drinking margaritas and later on I crashed in their hotel room. And the day after we went for breakfast in Soho while the city got drenched from the heavy rain. It helped.

Everything just feels very uncertain right now. I don't really feel like there's anything stable that I can hold on to. Nothing is a guarantee. And I thought I liked living that way, because it means no commitments no rules no limits. But it's also frustrating and it hurts and it takes a lot of energy because you constantly need to keep things together. I know that all of this probably doesn't make any sense and I'm being foggy which I don't like being on here. But to be honest that's exactly how it feels right now. Foggy. And I'm not unhappy. I'm not sad. I'm just uncomfortable in some way. Like getting a blister from your favorite pair of shoes.

On the other hand, moving in to the new apartment has brought in so much good energy. I'm already in love with the girls I live with and the place is amazing. I'll make sure to take you for a tour as soon as we're a bit more settled. I just want to spend time in my room, cook food in my kitchen, watch the city turn pink at sunset from the roof and cool off on my fire escape. Those are the moments when you realize that the other stuff that itches and hurts, are just little things that you actually can get rid off. Put a band aid on. I hope you'll bare with me as I try to get out of this annoying situation. Writing here helps too.


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