From above the French Alps

Monday, 9pm:

I'm on an airplane. Somewhere above the Alps I'd guess. There's a lot of fucking turbulence, so naturally I'm thinking I'll die. You know, when you're right in the middle of a bump and it feels like you're free falling? So in order to distract myself from my life that replays in my head right now, I'll just type. 

I've been in Spain for 5 days with my mom. It wasn't as sunny as I hoped for it to be, but still I got some freckles. Whenever I go away I tell myself to read, but I never do. There might even be a chance that I don't like reading. Can you be a writer and not like to read? Is that even possible? Probably not. If I'd say it out loud they'd shake their heads. And by they I mean everyone I want to like me and my writing. 

At the tax free shop I bought a foundation from Chanel and an eye cream from Dior. 100 bucks as if I was playing Monopoly (which by the way I've never played). But I tell myself it's okay because as I grow older and get to know myself better, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a sucker for expensive skincare with gold type on the packaging. It's ridiculous how much I spend on skincare and makeup. Probably more than clothes. Actually, definitely more than clothes since I don't own a pair of jeans for which I've paid more than 30 bucks.

Speaking of cheap denim, I can't fucking wait till I get to raid the thrift shops of San Francisco and LA. I see myself going completely rouge, stocking up on vintage t-shirts and jeans and maybe some leather. "Going to California" by Led Zeppelin just came on in my headphones.

The shaking is cooling off now. I can breathe normally again. It's weird because I usually don't get scared when flying, but tonight for some reason I'm feeling unusually anxious. Maybe it's because if I were to die here above the French snowy mountains (or in them I guess) my life would end on an extremely uncertain note. Like, what am I even doing right now? I'm waiting for a visa that's completely out of my control, I'm trying to write things that actually mean something to me but am struggling in every possible way, I'm sleeping with a guy who's more of a mess than I am and I'm spending 100 bucks on eye cream. 

Do we ever grow up? I told my mom earlier today, over coffee and a cigarette on our dreamy roof terrace that was warm from the Southern European sun, that I'll quit smoking when I turn 25 this summer. "Then I can always say that I smoked when I was young and dumb." She looked at me over her glasses. "Ugh, so you're gonna go be a grown up now? It's not time for that yet." I don't even think she realized that she gave me some great advice right there. I don't think I realized it at the time either. But now I do. Thank you mom.

It's shaking again. The old man next to me put down his sudoku and clasped his hands. Is he praying? Oh god I hope not because that would mean he too thinks we're dying. How crazy would it be if I did die in this airplane and someone found this phone and opened the notes app and read this? In case of, here are some things I don't want to not have told the world;

  1. Go eat the fried dumplings at the dodgy looking hole in the wall-place on East Broadway around the corner from the East Broadway Essex Street subway exit. There is not a cheaper life changing experience. (No wifi in the air so can't google the name of it)
  2. I never got Vetements. Pretty shit looking clothes tbh.
  3. Do not get a palm tree tattoo from a stoned German woman in a basement in Berlin. You'll regret it no matter how "delicate and fun" it looks. After all it's a palm tree and it's stupid. 
  4. Drugs may be fun, but not fucking worth it. Honestly. Weed is up for discussion.
  5. I wish I was famous, because I think I could do great things if only people listened to me.
  6. I don’t have regrets, but if I were to have one then maybe that I didn’t dumped that one guy on the spot when he for the fourth time unsuccessfully hid his phone as he got a text from his ex.
  7. A cheesy quote I really like is: "If you enjoy yourself, time is never wasted." Not sure who said it, but I found it on one of those typical tumblr-post pictures years ago and I live by it. 
  8. Also tumblr- I don't think I can respect anyone who's still on there. 
  9. Get out of bed, eat breakfast, listen to a great song. 
  10. It's so much easier to be a decent person than to be a dick.

Note: An hour or so later I landed safely at Arlanda Airport in Stockholm. My dad picked me up and I had crisp bread with butter and cheese in bed before going to sleep.


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