When it's over

It’s Sunday and I’m hungover. I’ve cried since Thursday and hated you since Friday and I don’t want to anymore. There’s a big black hole in my chest that burns with every breath I take and my eyes feel smaller than raisins. I can’t function. The day before I tried so hard not to think about you but it didn’t work. Instead I uploaded snaps to my story every hour to prove to you that I’m having fun and I’m not thinking about you at all. Now I’m just empty. I don’t want to hate you. I love you. And I care about you. I just don't like you right now. 

So even though you told me on Thursday that we can’t talk anymore, I text you. Please call me. And you do. Just seeing your name on my phone display gives me a feeling of calm and safety. Even though you're probably the person that's the least safe for me right now. But I think that’s the impact you’ve had on me ever since you kissed me on that street corner for the first time. And that's how I want to be able to think of you. As something calm and safe. 

I answer the phone. Hi. Hi. How are you? I’m okay. But you don’t sound okay. You sound sad. You ask me back. I’m alright. But I’m not alright. I'm everything but alright. And now I don't know what to say anymore. Your voice threw me off and I miss you so much. You're in Florida and I can imagine you sitting on some balcony having your morning smoke, wearing your glasses. It hurts. I know you can't to talk to me, but I just wanted you to know that I don't hate you. You're quiet for a few seconds but it feels like forever. Well you have more than reason to. I take a deep breath. Well yeah maybe, but I still care about you. And maybe I should hate you, it would be easier, but it's just a waste of energy and time. I don't wait for you to say anything, I just keep on talking because if I take a second to think I'll break. I want to be able to think back on us and you as something nice and special and not something that makes me sad or angry. It sounds like you're crying and you take a deep breath to say something. Fuck, why are you so nice? Your voice breaks and I can feel the tears building up underneath my eyelids. I press them together as hard as I can. I don't want to cry. I know I can't talk to you right now. And that fucking sucks, but I understand. The tears fight their way through my eyelashes and roll down my cheeks like waterfalls. But I want you to know that you can always talk to me. No one could change that. And I'm here for you even though I know that you can't be there for me right now. And that's okay.

I feel as if I might die. I know that even though I tell you you can always talk to me, I know you probably won't. Because you're going to be with her. You say you're sorry maybe ten times. And you tell me how I matter and how you don't deserve this. But I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for me. Have a great quarter. I'm sure you'll do amazing. I shrug my shoulders and you say no I'm not just saying that, I know you will as if you could've seen me. You say some more things I can't remember but at one point we even laugh a little bit. It feels nice. To laugh with you through the tears. I know we won't, but can we please just say talk to you soon and hang up? Okay, talk to you soon. Bye. Bye Frida. We don't hang up. I hear you crying on the other end and it's the saddest fucking thing. Even though I knew we wouldn't be together I never thought I'd say goodbye to you like this. Realizing that I won't get to text you in a couple of months and ask you how you are or how work is going. Or send you a video of some cute golden retriever puppy or a photo of a turtle being thrown into the water. It feels too soon. It is too soon. I can still feel the smell of your neck if I try hard enough or the way you'd stroke my knees while we were watching a movie or how you'd hug me from behind when I was sitting by the bar in your kitchen. As we cry into the phone I crumble into tiny pieces. I wish I could've hugged you right now or smoked one last cigarette together or just having you stroke my cheek saying it will be okay, but I guess this is it.

Bye. I hang up as fast as I can.