Extracts from my diary.

This has been the most tiring summer of my life. I've felt like shit most of the time, exhausted from trying to seem okay. But now I actually kind of am. 

I don’t sleep. Every night I wake up from my heart beating outside my chest and tears burning my eyelids. 

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He's the safe warm boy that hugged me when I felt like I was going under and now he's just gone. I want to kiss him again hug him again sleep with him again just be with him again. I thought I missed him before, but it's unbearable now. And he's probably not even thinking about me, because he's with her. Her. Her. Her her her.

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How can he sleep next to me for three months and then forget me two seconds after I've boarded the plane? It's like I don't mean anything to him. I'm such a fucking idiot. 

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I talked to him yesterday. It was weird hearing his voice. It was different. Sad. I told him I don't hate him and that I'm always going to be there for him if he needs me. No one understands me, why I said that. But they don't know us. I couldn't end this and not say that. Because it's the truth. He's E. I will never not pick up the phone if he calls.

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I heard his name today in school and I couldn't take it. I had to run outside, around the building and stare at the ground for ten minutes. FUCK.

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They all say I'm so much better off, but I'm not. I'm so not. 

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I'm 23 now. I tried so hard. To seem happy and as if he was the last thing on my mind. It worked until I had to run into the bathroom after three glasses of wine and cry into a towel so that the others wouldn't hear me. I'm wondering how much one can cry till they run out of tears.

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I got drunk and read our old conversations yesterday. Why did I do that?

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Maybe I'm overreacting. It was only three months. It's nothing really. Maybe I just got in too deep and he was the smart one all along. Even though it sure seemed like he wasn't. But maybe he managed to keep his distance and maybe he didn't fall, but was standing steadily on his two feet. But what I don't understand is how he could just stand there and not say anything as he watched me fall?

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I can't stop thinking about them. Him. Her. If he's kissing the tip of her nose like he always did mine. If he's stroking her earlobe when they're watching a movie. If she's kissing his shoulders. If she's following the outlines of his tattoos with her fingertips. If she's finding my places on his body. I feel like throwing up.

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When will this stop? When will this stop? WHEN WILL THIS STOP???? I can't anymore. I can't go to bed and dream about him every night and wake up alone. I just can't.

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I went out yesterday and all I wanted was to kiss someone. Taste someone else's lips. Fall asleep next to a different pair of broad shoulders. Kiss someone else's neck. Hearing someone else say I'm pretty or funny or cute or nice. But as I was sitting there, talking about things that don't matter laughing so hard I almost fell off the bench, he put his hand on my lower back and I choked. I said I was going to the bathroom but I ran all the way home. I smoked four cigarettes in a row on my stoop before going to bed alone.

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If I ever see him again he'll see. He'll see how great I am. How smart and funny and pretty and cool and kind and caring and strong I am. And he will regret that he fucked this up.

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Maybe we'll meet again someday and we'll hug and say kind things like "it's good to see you". But if we don't, I'll remember him like the one who kissed like a star and who would grab my arm when I crossed streets without looking and who would bury his face in my hair and who made me breakfast every Saturday Sunday Monday morning. And it will be nice.

 

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