I got a question that I felt required its own post, because it's important.

Hi. One of the things I love about your blog is how you express your great self esteem. Something I personally struggle with (and I suspect this is because of the fact that I am female - born in a patriarch society) is trusting my own voice. At the end of the day I almost always regret/review my statements throughout the day - was I wrong to say what I said / joke the way I did, did I express myself too boldly? It's not like this is a dominating part of my personality - I've always considered myself to have quite good confidence, BUT... I overthink a lot of things, and the common factor is that this almost exclusively happens after I've had conversations with men, and most often if they are strangers. I don't have the same great self esteem as my male counterparts. I ca walk away from home feeling great, and return feeling insecure. I guess my question is, how do you maintain your confidence when meeting new people? Do you ever lay in bed after a day of encounters - wondering if what you said was right or if it could be misinterpreted? You seem so strong, and I too would like to walk away from a meeting and not give a damn about how I might have been perceived. Could you give any advice on how to trust your own voice, and rock everyones (including your own) world?

Okay first things first. Yes. I have good self-esteem and I'm a confident person. But oh god, I am human. And a very emotional one too. I don't think there is anyone who isn't insecure once in a while, who doesn't think back on a day and wonder if they should've said that one thing differently. We're all these fragile beings with emotions and feelings and souls. And I think it's important to remember that it can be beautiful to be insecure sometimes. It keeps you humble. Anyway. Just wanted to get that out there.

Now, over to my *advice* which feels kind of silly to give since I have no idea what I'm doing. But I'll give it a shot. During the last couple of years I feel like I've really found myself. Saying it makes me want to gag a little, but it's true. Going to school and meeting so many different people from different backgrounds, moving around like a crazy person, building up a life in two different cities all by myself without knowing anyone, being far away from my best friends and family - it does something to a person. I've learned to deal with things by myself and I've been fucking lonely from time to time. And it has almost forced me into being at peace with myself, with being by myself. 

It's not easy. To hang out with yourself and have a good time. But the most important thing, in my opinion, is realizing one thing. Read carefully: the things that define you are your opinions, your feelings and your awareness. Not your job. Not how you perform in school. Not your amount of followers on instagram. Not if you're wearing the latest Gosha Rubchinskiy sweater. Not the people you hangout with, sleep with, are in love with. All of those things are just the cherries on top of your delicious sundae that aren't even really adding much to the flavor. And when I realized that, and actually believed it, was when I stopped wasting energy on the things that don't matter. And I'm not saying that I never worry anymore, or get sad or scared. But I think I'm pretty good at dealing with it.

We spend so much time at work, we spend so much time worrying about who we are to other people, we spend so much time in general. It drains us on energy and we forget what's important. I'm generalizing, but that's how it's been for me at least. I just really don't see the point in holding on to things or carrying around feelings or words that you really want to get out. I don't want to say don't overthink, because I'm the queen of it. But trust yourself and trust other people. Don't hesitate to speak your mind because you're scared about how they're going to react, because the truth is you have no idea.

I'll leave you with what a boy told me last weekend: It doesn't fucking matter. Nothing really matters. So just make the best of it. Be a good person. Speak your mind. Eat healthy. Stop biting your finger nails.

Couldn't agree more.


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Well hello there. I'm at work! Out in the world! Seeing things! Talking to people! It feels great after having been sick for a million years. And it just happens to be Friday, 15 degrees and sunny which is the ultimate weather and I have a weekend filled with fun stuff ahead of me. 

Even though I've been working from my home office (my bed) this week I've also had time to chill and waste time/money on the internet. Let me show you what I've been up to. 

My longtime crush and imaginary lover Dylan Rieder passed away this week from cancer. I don't know if it was the fever or just me being a tad over emotional these days, but I found myself incredibly sad from the news. I don't know shit about skating or whatever, I just know that he was the prettiest boy on earth. I spent all Wednesday watching videos of him skate. Take a look for yourselves and drool/cry. 

I bought the loveliest top from Staud that I will wear every Saturday night from the day I get it. Look at the fluff! Can't wait to pass out in a cab on that softness. Find it here.

Queen Solange (who is my No. 1 Knowles) dropped her KILLER album a little while ago and with that a video for both Don't Touch My Hair and Cranes In The Sky. I've watched this so many times. The dance scenes with Sampha is reason enough. 

And... I've decided on my next tattoo! Baby. Exactly how she has it, on the outer upper arm. My friends laugh at me and that makes me wanna get it even more. I think this might be my last one though. Then it's done. Over and out. I don't want my arms to feel cluttered and fill them with ink. But this one, I have to have it.

Have a lovely weekend!


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Bits and bobs

Hey babies. Let's take a look at what's been going down in my camera roll lately. 

I woke up at 6am one day all by myself and couldn't go back to sleep, so I went to the gym. This is about as shocking and out of character as it gets, but I'll roll with it because my butt strength is now at the point where I can go low on the dance floor without falling over. If that's not success then I don't know what is.

I wore my fishnet stockings under my denim and got a concerned comment from my co-worker the same day as I uploaded this on Instagram, "That was kind of kinky wasn't it...?"..... .... . .............

I was checking out pretty plants in Bushwick one day. Didn't buy because they were about a gazillion dollars.

On a Wednesday not too long ago I had cocktails and mac and cheese at Schiller's with Nicole. We have a tradition that we meet up every Wednesday after work and go on a date. Might be the best tradition I've ever heard of. After two cocktails we bounced over to 169 bar and drank beer/looked for the hot bartender that works there. Unfortunately he was nowhere to be found. But I felt pretty in my double denim. From Zara's Join Life collection for those who might want to know. 

I went to Elvis Guesthouse a few weekends back and danced/posed with Sara among others. Aren't we cute? And drunk?

Earlier that day I grabbed a slice in the Village and then went on a blind date with Kelsey. She's probably the most beautiful person I've ever sat opposite. But more importantly, she was so much fun! And smart! I fucking love it when you guys hit me up on instagram/email and ask me out. You guys are so cool! After sipping on cocktails at Leadbelly I took her with me to Sanna's where we stole beers out of the fridge and chatted for a bit.

The night before that I had dinner at Saraghina in Bed Stuy with Nicole, Sara and Astrid.Had a lovely pasta and drank a gallon of red wine.

And like, a month ago Linn took these photos of me and Nicole when we hung out in Harlem for a day. I love them so much! Look at us matching with our Levi's crotches <3 


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When I (sort of) took a step forward

"I miss his hands around my waist." I wrote it down a few weeks ago on my phone after an accidental scroll through my camera roll ending up on a photo of him. Yes it was accidental because I was looking for my photo of my social security card that somehow always disappears between selfies and avocado toasts. Whatever. I've been writing down those little thoughts I get. Things I get mad at, questions that pop up, things I miss. It makes it easier to not think about it. Think about him. But that day, fuck. I really missed his hands around my waist.

A week later I'm crashing a birthday party at a bar. I knew he'd be there, but I tried not to think about it. When I see him sitting on the couch in the corner I ignore the impulse of walking up to him, grabbing his neck and kissing him like I would've done two weeks ago. Instead I smile and raise my hand in a lame wave. Ugh, kill me now. I walk over and put my jacket down next to him and I think I accidentally flash some boob. We hug and talk, but our words don't mean shit. There are so many things I want to tell him. That I miss talking to him, that I saw a really funny video on facebook I know he'd die laughing to, that I bought a new jacket, that I still have his contact solution in my bathroom, that I had broccoli in my sallad at lunch. You know, important things. But we talk like strangers. Ten minutes later he leaves and I go to the bar to order a shot because I know how to deal with things.

One shot ended up being like... 4? Plus many beers and a couple of strong gin and tonics. Somewhere in between the drinks I'd texted this guy that I'd been talking to and around 2am I get in an uber to go to his place. Again, because I know how to deal with things. I didn't even consider the fact that he might be a murderer, cause all I wanted was someone new. I got there drunk and with no care in the world. He was cute and tall, offered me a beer and talked to me about film and music like every other guy in this city. I didn't care for his taste in either so I zoned out and looked around me as he tried to impress. "You've ever been to Hawaii?" I interrupted him when I noticed a small ugly poster of some Hawaiian volcano above his head. "Yeah, I'm half Hawaiian so I have a bunch of family there." He was proud of it. "That's cool." I didn't give a shit. There was nothing that made me think twice that night. Nothing that made me nervous or uncomfortable. I didn't care. It was just liberating to know that the dude sitting in front of me clearly wanted to bone me. But I didn't want to get to know him. So I talked about myself and he didn't seem to mind. After a while I got bored though, so I kissed him. He lifted me up, put me down on the bed, pulled my shirt up and my pants down.

I woke up slightly drunk and with a congested nose. I probably hadn't slept for more than an hour because of his fan hitting me right in the face. Hence the congested nose. He was breathing heavily onto my neck and all I wanted was to get the fuck out of there. My phone was in my bag on the other side of the room so I had no idea what time it was, but prayed for not too early. I lifted my head from the pillow and looked for my underwear. The bright morning light and my leftover makeup made my eyes itchy and I could still taste his tongue in my mouth. It made me nauseous. I missed my makeup removal. I missed my toothbrush. His arms were too heavy around my waist and his chest too hot against my back. I tried to move as slow as possible without waking him up, hoping that if I'd ever pull off a hit and run it'd be now. But of course he woke up. My anxiety/disgust overwhelmed me as he kissed my shoulder, my earlobe, my forehead and I wondered if it'd be rude of me to tell him not to? But then he said that I was cute so naturally as a semi-broken, compliment-needy young woman I slept with him one more time before leaving. I got dressed as fast as I could while he was watching me from the bed where he was laying naked on top of the covers. I'm constantly surprised by the love and pride guys have for their dicks, btw. Like, it's not cute at all? Anyway. I gave him a quick kiss goodbye, lied about texting him later and walked out on the street.

When I got out I realized that his apartment was one block away from the one where I've been waking up basically every weekend for the last six months. I laughed and cried at the same time at whoever who is in charge of my life and decides to give me no chill at all. Give me a break, please. As I started walking towards the subway I prayed that I wouldn't run into him, but then again considering how life was going for me I wouldn't have been surprised if he walked out the door fresh out of the shower. Anxiety started to tickle my throat so I desperately tried to focus on the stain on my jeans, but it was hard because there was a big aching growing thing in my chest that felt a lot like tears and it wouldn't leave me alone. When I got closer to his building I crossed the street to the opposite side and stared into the ground as I walked as fast as I could. Yep. Those were tears.

I bought myself a coffee and sat down on the benches outside the coffee shop to smoke and give myself a second. Could I have looked any more depressing? Greasy hair in a top bun, disgusting last nights makeup, large coffee in hand, a Marlboro between my fingers and an aura as black as my outfit that had questionable stains all over it. I really hoped he wouldn't be in the mood for coffee that morning but still, I was having coffee at his coffee shop. Self-destructive? Me? Get out of here! I just couldn't get myself to go on the subway. The time was 10:32. I gave myself 5 minutes of crying into my coffee, then I had to pull myself together and go home. During those five minutes my congested nose turned runny, an old cute woman asked if I was okay and my pack of cigarettes went from two to empty. I missed him more than ever and it bothered me. But I got up, disappeared down to the subway and went home to shower, brush my teeth and change. And as I chose between blue denim or black wool I came to a very important realisation. His hands were no longer the last ones to have been around my waist.

I celebrated with a cheeseburger at brunch.


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Sick Sunday

You guys it's October? When did that happen? Yesterday I was walking around Greenpoint, down to Williamsburg and all the way over to Bushwick with Nicole and it smelled like wet leaves in every corner. We sat down for a glass of red wine and talked about our dream men (tall brunettes with big smiles and sparkly eyes that cooks for you, love dogs and never stop touching you) and how your lips can be a very efficient tool to shut a guy up. When we got hungry and cold we went to Desi Grill and had Indian with a cockroach that we later killed with our wine bottle. Here I started to feel a little sick, but decided to ignore it because who wants to be sick on a Saturday night? Instead I met up with Nicolas for a drink that I spilled out (story of my life) so he got me another one which I couldn't finish because I felt like I was gonna throw up all over the table. You guys probably don't know this, but I have the BIGGEST phobia of throwing up. I haven't done it since I was a kid and I start shaking and panicking and everything turns into a shit show. Fortunately Nico is aware of this, so we walked around for a little bit hoping that some fresh air and movement would make it go away. But then poor guy still had to hold my bag and watch me hurl on the corner of Flushing and Knickerbocker like a drunk teenager. If he wasn't over me before, then that sure outta do it. I managed to pull myself together though without any bigger damage and we walked over to King Noodle. After having stared at him eating a bowl of noodles, unable to speak and even more unable to drink the coke he got me, I decided it was time to go home. So I got in a cab and then spent the whole night watching my Indian food come up. Lovely.

Anyway. This wasn't supposed to be about the fact that my "Vomit Free since -03" strike is now over. I just wanted to check in, say hi and thank you for being the sweetest group of people on the internet. Except for my not so satisfactory end of Saturday, this weekend was a lot of fun. More on that soon. Now I'm gonna make myself a cup of tea and watch Gilmore Girls.

Twist and turns

My life took an unexpected turn last weekend, leaving me confused and broken. I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. But I think it’s possible that it can be the opposite. When something ends, something else starts. I know it sounds like a quote that a suburban mom would have on her kitchen wall, but it is true.

No matter how rational and wise I might seem about this situation I’ve spent this past week drinking 4 bottles of wine, smoking 5 packs of Marlboro Silver, going to the gym every day, calling in sick twice, crying till my head was about to explode and sleeping about a total of 3 hours. All of it has been like a reverse detox where I’ve stuffed myself with things that will kill me. I’ve tried to make it as dramatic and movie-like as possible. I’ve been Bella fucking Swan sitting in that chair for about 90% of the second Twilight movie listening to that depressing Lykke Li song.

But this morning I woke up and I decided that I’m done with it. I’ve got a personality that will make whoever comes after me seem like a loser and a body that a hot bartender at a bar on Lower East wants to sleep with. So don’t worry about me.

How are you? Tell me some stories so that I can focus on something else. <3


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A long weekend

Not last weekend, but the one before I was off for four days. The week had been long and stressful and depressing and I was feeling like complete shit as you might remember. So I thought I was worth taking Friday off. 

And I went here. To Rockaway Beach. Complete fucking bliss you guys. I can't even remember the last time I was on a beach?

Nicole, Sara, Astrid and I got tipsy around lunch time, dozed off in the sun, checked out some lifeguard babes and swam in the ocean. 

Stayed until the sun went down and the clouds rolled in. 

And went back to mine and had prosseco on the roof. Then I felt like I could've died from exhaustion and I kind of did. 

And on the Saturday I had coffee and breakfast in my bed, unpacked and was proud of my wall so captured it accompanied by my side boob.

This is my roommate Nora! One of them. She's sweet as pie and we smoke cigarettes on our fire escape from time to time. We spent the whole day assembling our table and chairs and shelves and what not and drank sangria from midday. As one should.


And as the sun went down we hung out on the roof Nora, Stina and I. Then some people came and some more and it was crowded and I got drunk and tired and sad and I don't know what was going on. I was unstable, you guys. Felt lonely and not good enough. And then I forgot my credit card in the cab. Feeling sorry for me yet? No? Okay. 

I can't even remember what I did Sunday. I was hungover and whatever I guess. But on Monday, which was Labor Day and day off, I went to Bed Stuy to have brunch at Nicole's. She lives in a dream apartment as you can see.

She watered the plants as I sipped on coffee and watched her. 

And then we walked around half of Brooklyn, had lunch at Milk in Prospect Heights and hung out in Prospect Park. I was matching my lemonade and Nicole read me articles on Hasidic Jew's sex life (that they would have sex with a sheet and a hole in it is a myth just FYI). 

And that was that long weekend. Now it's sooooooo looooooong till the next one. I'm gonna have to take another PTO some Friday because long weekends is the way to live. 


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Blonde + some other things

Whatsuppp? I'm very tired and I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. I spent the weekend dancing and drinking and making out, so that was great. But unfortunately Mondays always suck no matter what.

But to celebrate that it is over in just a few hours, I thought I'd share some things I like right now.

Frank Ocean's new album. A little late on the ball here, I know. I hadn't really listened to it till now, but damn. Especially this part in Nikes:

I may be younger, but I'll look after you
When you're not here, I'll save some for you
I'm not him, but I'll mean something to you
I'll mean something to you
I'll mean something to you
You've got a roommate, he'll hear what we do
It's only awkward if you're fucking him too

I mean... Come on <3

And while we're talking music, this is the playlist I'm collecting treasures in at the moment.

I've been eying this work shirt from Richardson since like May. But ya know, it's 300 dollars so that won't happen anytime soon. But if I magically find a few hundred bucks on the street I'd match it with my blue Levi's, converse and my new silver earrings. 

And! Lat night I re-watched one of my favorite movies - Short Term 12. I've probably already written about it here way back but if you haven't watched it, quickly open a new tab pop onto Netflix and do it. It's fantastic. 

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04 09 2016

Lately there's been something going on that I can't really put my finger on. I don't know more than that it's a feeling of unease that won't leave me the fuck alone. It's just something. The other day I broke down in tears in a cab with my mom and my brother while moving my stuff to my new apartment. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop crying. That almost never happens to me, that I literally break down in tears like that without no obvious reason. It scared me a little because it felt very out of the blue, even though those situations never are. I honestly don't know what I would've done without my mom and brother here last week. Things were so stressful with the move and work and a bunch of other things that makes my head spin. That day though, we ended up having a great evening eating Mexican and drinking margaritas and later on I crashed in their hotel room. And the day after we went for breakfast in Soho while the city got drenched from the heavy rain. It helped.

Everything just feels very uncertain right now. I don't really feel like there's anything stable that I can hold on to. Nothing is a guarantee. And I thought I liked living that way, because it means no commitments no rules no limits. But it's also frustrating and it hurts and it takes a lot of energy because you constantly need to keep things together. I know that all of this probably doesn't make any sense and I'm being foggy which I don't like being on here. But to be honest that's exactly how it feels right now. Foggy. And I'm not unhappy. I'm not sad. I'm just uncomfortable in some way. Like getting a blister from your favorite pair of shoes.

On the other hand, moving in to the new apartment has brought in so much good energy. I'm already in love with the girls I live with and the place is amazing. I'll make sure to take you for a tour as soon as we're a bit more settled. I just want to spend time in my room, cook food in my kitchen, watch the city turn pink at sunset from the roof and cool off on my fire escape. Those are the moments when you realize that the other stuff that itches and hurts, are just little things that you actually can get rid off. Put a band aid on. I hope you'll bare with me as I try to get out of this annoying situation. Writing here helps too.


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Slowing it down

The last three weeks have been intense and fast paced. Too fast paced. First going home to Sweden, then a bunch of visitors in town and in the meantime moving apartments and keeping up with work. While it’s all good things going on it does get a bit exhausting after awhile and I’m never good in those situations. I turn into a fragile, emotional glass doll who breaks if you put me down carelessly.

After work yesterday I had to meet up with my mom quick and then go home to pack up all my stuff. While I was waiting for the J-train that took forever like always and I swear my skin was melting on the platform I turned into the little baby I truly am and just wanted to cry in someones arms. I was so tired. I know I sound like an annoying brat, but so be it. I went home, literally tossed everything I own into my bags and couldn’t even bother to fold it properly which says more about my emotional state than anything else. When I was semi-done packing I couldn’t take it anymore so I escaped my mess of apartment and went to Bushwick to have a late night dinner with he who always gets me in a good mood. We had ricotta toasts and merguez sausages and talked about dream projects at Montana’s before grabbing an ice cream on our way home. Crazy how something as simple as walking a few blocks back to the apartment with my hand in his can slow it all down. An hour or so later I fell asleep with his arms around me and when the alarm rang this morning we snoozed for an hour because why be at the office early when you can twist your legs together and fall back asleep?


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